Threesome anyone?

I've said before - I am an avid Savage Love reader; I read the column every Wednesday and I peruse the Savage Love Letter of the Day app on my iPhone on a near-daily basis. Today I came across this letter, which fits in nicely with some of the other posts I've made about nonmonogamy and open relationships.

Disclaimer: I didn't write any of this -- it's entirely copied and pasted from the original Savage Love letter. The first box is the initial letter to Dan, and the second is Dan's response. Enjoy!

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A Successful Threesome

I am a straight woman who has been in a monogamous relationship with the same man for almost five years. He's absolutely gorgeous, and he's British, and he makes a decent living, so I've always known he wouldn't have trouble attracting the opposite sex (or the same sex, for that matter!). I, on the other hand, while admittedly pretty, am not exactly a knockout like he is. It's taken some work to get over my insecurities about that, but I've long been confident that he's really into me, so now that's a non-issue.

Three months ago my boyfriend confessed that he wanted to have a FFM threesome. At first I was horrified at the idea. He wanted to fuck other women. He wanted to act on the impulse to fuck other women. What if he wanted someone prettier than me? What if she was better in bed than me? How could be have a functioning relationship if we had sex with another person? Wouldn't it demean our own sexual relations, become a black cloud hanging over the rest of our relationship?

Then I took a deep breath and remembered your column. I remembered what you had to say about men and women and desires and your own experiences with threesomes. I came to realize two more things.

First of all, if he wanted to fuck other women, he could have done that and not told me; he had come to me to tell me that while he wanted to fuck another woman, he wanted to fuck another woman with me. If we worked hard to be honest about our feelings and communicate our needs and insecurities, this could turn into a another thing that we did together. In fact, if we focused on communication, honesty, and trust having a threesome could possibly strengthen our relationship.
Second of all, I realized that even if this wasn't my favorite fantasy—or even a fantasy of mine at all—I could still make my pleasure a priority. I consider myself to be straight (as in I'd never wanted to have sex with a woman before and probably could never sustain a romantic relationship with another woman) but lesbian porn (well done lesbian porn) could get me off. If my boyfriend wanted to have sex with another woman, and wanted me to be there, then I could use this as an opportunity to try something intriguing and new. This didn't need to be just about him having sex with another woman—it could be about both of us having sex with another woman.

So I agreed to a threesome with some ground rules. I wanted us to find a woman to have sex with together. I wanted her to be bisexual; I didn't want to have a threesome with another straight girl, and I wasn't sure if a lesbian would have sex with my boyfriend. I wanted to be a part of the threesome at all times, which meant that we had to discuss what would happen if he and she began to do something (coming up with ideas beforehand was incredibly helpful). Most of all, I did not want my boyfriend to have penetrative sex with the woman—no vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Plus, I wanted us to be open to having a MMF threesome sometime down the road. Setting these boundaries help me feel as if I had control of the situation; my boyfriend's agreement to comply with my ground rules proved to me how much he loved me and wanted me to.

We decided, pretty quickly, to hire a woman to have a threesome with us. After a little bit of searching we found—and agreed upon—a local bisexual escort. She was quite lovely, and she advertised that she had experience with threesomes, so I felt like she'd focus on both of us, and not just him, which was my biggest fear.

We rented a lovely room at a posh hotel. We made reservations for the two of us to have dinner after the threesome—we gave the threesome a time period of about three hours. And then the day came, the woman arrived at our hotel room, and my boyfriend and I had a wonderful time together. We staid attentive to each others needs, the escort did a good job of showing interest in both of us, and the sex was great. Now we've agreed to make this a yearly tradition for us, possibly with the same woman.

Better yet, this whole experience strengthened our relationship. We're now closer than ever, and the memory of the threesome is not some black cloud hanging over us every time we kiss or hug or have sex. In fact, remembering the threesome together gets us both pretty hot, and before we know it we're having more fantastic sex.

I decided to write you this ridiculously long email (which I have no idea if you'll even read, I know you get a lot) because, if I didn't read your column, and if I had never heard your humorous, matter-of-fact sex advice, I wouldn't have been able to have a threesome with my boyfriend. (On another note: I'd probably still feel like a freak for being a woman who loves watching porn, both alone and with her boyfriend.) Your column and your writing helped give me the smarts and the confidence to be (and enjoy being) a GGG girlfriend. I can't put into words how thankful I am that I began reading your column several years ago, or how thankful I am that you take the time and effort to write your column, because it (and you) help so many people become better, happier versions of themselves. I am so happy in my relationship with my boyfriend right now, Dan, and while it's largely thanks to us I know your column has played a part in bettering our relationship too.

Sincerely,

Grateful Gushing Girlfriend

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Thanks for sharing, GGG, and congratulations. It sounds like you two did absolutely everything right: you hashed out all the details, you set ground rules advance, and you hired a pro instead of waiting years for an unattached bi girl/unicorn to come along. I'm posting your entire letter to the blog, long though it is, because people rarely hear from committed couples who've had successful FFM MMF threesomes. Lots of people are convinced that threesomes destroy relationships because the only threesomes they ever hear about are the disasters, i.e. the ones that came immediately before a breakup, threesomes that are rightly or wrongly blamed for a breakup that was probably coming anyway. And since most people in stable relationships want to be perceived as monogamous even when they're not, people aren't generally aware of all the threesomes their presumed-to-be-monogamous friends have had.

Thanks again for sharing.

originally posted on 16 MARCH, 2010

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