Love

Happy Valentine's Day!

I've been "writing" this post in my head for several days, unsure of how to word it or what exactly to say. I know what I want to talk about, but sometimes these things don't go exactly as planned. Take this introduction, for example. How do I adequately introduce such a significant and deep topic as love? I will start with a story ...

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to contribute to something he is creating for his partner for Valentine's Day. In order to participate, my contribution required me to consider a seemingly simple question: "What does love mean to me?" At the time, I thought "Oh sure, that will be easy!" However,  the more I thought about it, the more I realized that his question was anything but simple.

For one, there are so many varying opinions on what love is, types of love, purposes or functions of love, definitions of love, and so on, that I didn't really know where to start. In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis divides love into four categories based on four Greek words for love: affection, friendship, eros, and charity.

Another theory, which I distinctly remember learning in university, was developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. Sternberg postulates that there are three components of love, and that these interact with each other to form seven different love experiences (with nonlove being the absence of all three components).

Personally, I really like Sternberg's theory. It incorporates several aspects of what I see as essential to the experience of love. Sternberg acknowledges the wide range of love many of us experience throughout our lives, and his theory also recognizes that there is more to love than simply having feelings for another person.

According to Sternberg, the three components of love are:

[caption id="attachment_3228" align="alignright" width="248"] Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love[/caption]

1) Intimacy: feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness and bondedness

2) Passion: encompasses feelings of limerence (adoration with the intense desire to have your feelings reciprocated) and sexual attraction

3) Commitment: the decision to remain with your partner (short term) as well as shared achievements and plans made together (long term)

As you can see, Sternberg's theory places each component at the vertices of a triangle. Each component interacts with the others, leading to seven different kinds of love experiences. The size of the triangle represents the "amount" of love, while the shape represents the style of love. Both of these tend to vary over the course of a relationship.

"The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components, and the type of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other."^[2] Different stages and types of love can be explained as different combinations of these three elements; for example, the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or three elements. Source: Wikipedia - Triangular Theory of Love

Now that we've established what scholars/writers/psychologists consider "love" to be, what about my contribution to my friend's project? When it came time to share my thoughts on love, I didn't refer to any theories or statements from scholars, writers or other brilliant minds. Instead, I reflected on my own experiences with love - romantic and otherwise. I quickly realized my own definition of love is centered on my understanding of how people connect -- at the level of our basic energy.

For me, real love is an intense and soul-deep connection; it's about understanding, accepting and supporting your loved one(s) for who they truly are and not who someone else wants them to be.

The happy ending to my story is the video below. It wasn't easy, but I finally managed to put into words what had been going through my head every time I thought about the question "what does love mean to me?". I'll leave you with my own thoughts, and I would love to hear your answer to the same question: "What does love mean to you?"



Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day, and more love than you could ever need, today and every day.

- Candice :)

Today

TODAY is WORKSHOP DAY!!!!

1) Today I will be speaking to students at Georgian College on the topic of Healthy Relationships -- just in time for Valentine's Day! Stay tuned to hear all about it, and to check out my presentation.

2) I'm feeling FABULOUS, and you can read all about it! Check out Journey of Motivation's feature post all about myself and Sex Ed Central!

Have a WONDERFUL day! :)

The Issue of Marriage

This image is circulating around Facebook right now, and it's so awesome I wanted to share it with you. Let's work together to wipe out homophobia!

- Candice

Same Sex Marriage = Civil Rights

I read this article today, and it warmed my heart. Like the author, I believe that same-sex marriage equality is inevitable. Sooner or later (I vote for sooner ... now would be good), we will get there!

Please share widely!

Candice :)

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How Governors Are Leading the Way on Same-Sex Marriage

By: Thomas A. Roberts, MSNBC Anchor

Posted on The Huffington Post, January 31, 2012

Is supporting marriage equality contagious? The governors of Maryland and Washington, D.C. believe it is, as they support same-sex marriage legislation. More on that in a moment.
We focus a lot on social justice issues during my 11 a.m. hour on MSNBC, particularly marriage equality. I take great pride in shining a light on this issue, and why not? We're at a pivotal moment in our country when it comes to LGBT issues.

For instance, last year, for the first time ever, a national poll showed that 53 percent of America feels same-sex marriage should be recognized as law. That same poll reveals that Republicans and older Americans remain at odds with marriage equality.

However, most people, young people, feel that full marriage equality is just a matter of time. Specifically, you can thank college kids for that one. A new poll by UCLA's Higher Education Research Institute (HERI) finds that 71.3 percent of college freshmen support same-sex marriage equality. So if 7 out of 10 college kids feel that way now, then it is logical to think that marriage equality is inevitable.

Is it bold for governors to support same-sex marriage now? It's certainly not unheard of, but nationally, it is bold. Consider this: only six states and Washington, D.C. recognize marriage equality. Safety in political numbers, right? Or is it the needed proof to demonstrate that marriage equality is not a threat to what is now dubbed "traditional marriage"?

Now more than ever, governors are tackling the basic "fairness" of this issue and are evolving, personally, to understand marriage equality as a civil rights issue. Civil rights.

Politicians are realizing they want to be remembered for standing on the right side of history. Just look at this recent trend and what certain elected officials are willing to do now.

Gov. Chris Gregoire of Washington State wasn't always in favor of marriage equality. Gregoire was admittedly conflicted because of her Catholic faith, but she admits to a "personal journey" that convinced her to support it. She is also not running for a third term.

Gov. Martin O'Malley, also a Catholic, is putting his political neck on the line and, on a personal level, his religion, too. Catholic church leaders in Baltimore have urged O'Malley against supporting such a bill. I know personally and professionally about the strong Catholic church lobby in the Maryland State Legislature. Strong. O'Malley seems genuine, willing, and more than likely to get marriage equality passed on his watch. Will it cost him, or is this a calculated risk that will help make him a presidential contender in 2016?

Whatever the political calculations, the outcome is the same: the fight for marriage equality is on the move, on the march, and getting results. And as President Obama declared in his State of the Union address, "We've come too far to turn back now."

That gets us to the big interviews of Jan. 27. For months we have been aggressively trying to book Gov. Martin O'Malley to talk about marriage equality in Maryland. The week before last, we finally got him! It just so happens that O'Malley became available the same day we had already booked Gov. Gregoire. She was recently a guest on the show to talk about her bill for marriage equality. We invited her back on Jan. 27 because she has the votes needed to get it passed. Enjoy!

** Click here to view the original article, accompanied by video

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FruitTaster: Designer Relationships

Thank you, FruitTaster, for leaving the following comment on my most recent blog post: Monogamish Week! This comment is so insightful and interesting that I wanted to share it with you. And once you've read this comment, make sure you read more of FruitTaster's blog; it makes for excellent reading!

*Note: Emphasis added by me*

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I don't mean to throw the ball back at you, but what you wrote triggered a thought.

It's that I find particularly interesting the view that, in the event of one partner being caught cheating in a monogamous relationship, that the result should automatically be a split.

There is such an importance put on monogamy that we are willing to throw away everything if it is not respected. There are without a doubt times when this is the right course of action. However it happens so often that you have to wonder why people don't just start off with the assumption that it might occur, or at least that the thought or desire of getting involved with others during the course of a very long term relationship will eventually be felt, if not acted on.

The point is, why not be proactive about it and have an intelligent discussion considering ways to deal with it, either when it will happen, or before it happens. A non-monogamous or open relationship is kind of an umbrella term that encompasses really everything other than monogamy. It's too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you're not monogamous, then you're up for grabs and you're just careless and promiscuous. There are a lot of variations possible between the two extremes.

I like to think of it as being a relationship designer. We spend so much time personalizing our clothes and our hair and our homes and everything that surrounds us. Maybe we should consider that we can also design our relationship. Forgeting the monogamy vs non-monogamy terms, which may be too polarized for many people, I think it's accessible to everyone to just ask themselves, if I could design the perfect, bullet-proof relationship for me, what would that be?

The interest I have in Dan publishing the letters he's received, is to demonstrate the breath of arrangements that are possible, and to realize we can apply our imagination and our creativity to the problem of how to make our relationships more successful.

You can have your blog back now. :)

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Monogamish Week!

You've probably gathered that I'm currently quite interested in the topic of monogamy, and more specifically, monogamish. This is partly due to the fact that Dan Savage is having a monogamish week with the Savage Love Letter of the Day app (which I read every day), as well as the weekly Savage Love column (which I read every Wednesday ... or Tuesday if it's posted early :)).

It's also partly because I think that close, intimate, interpersonal relationships are a really interesting topic. I enjoy learning about, reading about, thinking about and writing about relationships.

Just think about it for a few moments:

We humans are typically creatures of habit; we go along with what we're used to, stick to what feels comfortable, and generally expect others to do the same.

Yet relationships themselves are such dynamic, ever-evolving entities. Heck, we humans are ever-evolving ... we find new interests and hobbies, make new friends, develop new habits ... you get the picture.

So what do we do when we or our partner wants/needs/wishes for the relationship to change?

Say, for example, you have a married/common-law/committed couple (of any orientation) who have a house and three kids. Something happens and, for one reason or another, one partner loses interest in (or becomes unable or unwilling to have) sex. The other partner, however, has a high libido and enjoys having sex several times a week (i.e. sex is a necessary aspect of this person's life). Aside from this particular issue, the couple has a good relationship and a solid partnership. They're in love with each other, they are great parents and their kids are happy and doing as well as kids can be expected to do.

What do they do?

Split up - traumatize the kids, lose the support of each other, divide up the family and call it quits on the love and happiness they've enjoyed together?

I sometimes wonder if we, as a society, are so focused on monogamy and sexual exclusivity -- (examples: "OMG, he cheated on her!" "Did you hear? They're swingers!" "If I have feelings for/am attracted to him/her/them then I must not be happy in my relationship/there must be something wrong with me/I don't love my partner") -- that we lose sight of all the other parts - good, important parts - that make up a relationship.

Anyway, that was the long journey to the points I want to make:

1. This post was inspired by an interesting post by FruitTaster. An excerpt I particularly enjoyed:

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"We tend to assume an open relationship is about sex, and maybe affection, or love even. Not about laundry, cooking, and bills. However, countless marriages have come to an end because of differences over laundry, cooking and bills, so they are certainly part of the crucial elements in a relationship."

Source: Fruits of Libido Blog, written by FruitTaster

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2. Relationships, like people, are special and unique. I believe that we should be able to make them what we want them to be, not what others expect them to be.

3. Now that I think about it, I've never been very good at conforming to the little boxes we are pegged into. Maybe that has something to do with my interest in getting others to think outside of the little boxes as well.

Introspection for another day ...

Thanks for reading!

Candice :)

 

Savage Says: Meet the Monogamish

This week's Savage Love is a good one! Enjoy reading what Dan's readers have to say about their successful monogamish relationships.

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Meet the Monogamish

January 4, 2012

By Dan Savage

Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren't monogamous, because they don't want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce.

This state of affairs—couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and wound up divorced won't shut up; couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and are still together won't speak up—allows smug and insecure monogamists to run around insisting that there's no such thing as happy, stable monogamish couples.

"You know lots of couples who have had three-ways and flings who aren't divorced," I told the skeptics a few weeks ago, "you just don't know you know them." In an effort to introduce the skeptics to some happily monogamish couples, I invited coupled people who'd had successful flings, affairs, three-ways, and swinging experiences to write in and share their stories. The response was overwhelming—I may do a book—and I'm turning over the rest of this week's column to their stories.

 

My husband and I have issues like any couple, but I still smile when I see him walk into a room, and he still takes my hand when we're walking down the street. For the past seven years, we have been "monogamish." It started off with a discussion of "If you ever cheat on me and it's a one-time thing, I wouldn't want to know." Then, when he turned 40, we had a threesome with a female friend. When I actually saw him "in the moment," I didn't have the jealous feelings I had always feared. There is no question that our relationship is our first priority, but just the possibility of a little strange now and then makes him feel like a stud. (And I reap the benefits!) I don't much care for sex without emotion and affection, so my flings have been rather limited. We haven't told our families or more than a couple of friends. I don't want to deal with the judgment of others.

 

For the first five years of my marriage, everything was great: lots of sex, both GGG, lots of love. Then my wife's libido failed. Whatever the problem was, she couldn't articulate it. After a year where we'd had sex twice, I reached out to someone else. I used Craigslist and I was honest: I explained that I had no intention of leaving my wife and that I was looking for someone in a situation similar to mine. It took months to find the right person. We struck up a years-long affair. At the same time, I had a wonderful-yet-sexless marriage. Then, after nearly four years, a strange thing happened: My wife's libido came back strong. To this day, she cannot explain why it left or why it came back. With the reason for my affair gone, I ended things with my fuck buddy. And you know what? Years of honest talk made this easy. She understood; we went our separate ways.

So I had a four-year affair without getting caught. Here's how I pulled it off: I never told anyone about it ever, I chose a partner who wanted exactly what I wanted, we didn't film ourselves (as hot as that sounded), we used condoms, I kept my computer clear of any evidence, and we never called or texted each other.

 

My husband and I are monogamish but also LMGs—legally married gays. We feel tremendous pressure to be perfect. The thing is, we are perfect. We love each other, we support each other, and we have amazing sex with each other—and the occasional cameo performer, who is always treated with respect. (We have a rule about not inviting someone into our bedroom who we wouldn't be friends with outside the bedroom.) That said, the fact that Ron and Nancy down the street are swingers will raise eyebrows, but it won't impact the perceived legitimacy of mixed-gender marriage. But if Ed and Ted happen to invite a third into their bedroom, that would prove the gays are destroying marriage/the country/the fabric of the universe. Even other gays get judgmental. So, at least for now, our monogamishness is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And who needs to know? Just our sex-positive doctor and the occasional hot third who gets a golden ticket into our bedroom.

 

I agree with you that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open. How do I know? I just discovered that my parents are swingers—and they have been married for 26 years!

 

My husband, almost exactly 10 years older than me, confessed a cuckold fetish to me shortly before our fifth anniversary. I said no, but a seed was planted: Whenever I would develop a crush on another man, it would occur to me that I could sleep with him if I wanted to. Five years later, my boyfriend of two years, who happens to be exactly 10 years younger than me, was one of the guests at our 10-year anniversary party. My boyfriend is a good-looking grad student who adores me and values my husband's advice about his education and career plans. He treats my husband with the perfect blend of affection and contempt. ("Gratitude and attitude," my boyfriend calls it.) I enjoy my boyfriend, but I love my husband more than ever. My husband is not allowed to have sex with other women (he doesn't want to, anyway), and he's not allowed to have sex with me without my boyfriend's permission (which he usually—though not always—gets). Our families would be appalled. We simply don't live in a part of the country, or move in social circles, where we could be honest about any of this with anyone.

 

From the outside, my husband and I look like a boring vanilla married couple. In fact, people have included me in judgmental conversations about open relationships. But the truth is, for nearly as long as we've been together (three-plus years), we've had a semiopen relationship. My husband is bi. When he told me after a few months of dating, years of Savage Love reading helped me to keep an open mind. Long story short: We worked out rules that were mutually agreeable. Now he can hook up safely with guys and come home to a loving wife with whom he can be completely honest.

 

I'm a happily married woman... and so is my girlfriend. Maybe it's cowardly of us, but no matter how simple our relationship seems to us, the people we care about would not understand. Yes, we do this with our husbands' blessing. (We even double-date from time to time!) No, there's nothing lacking in our marriages. Our parents, relatives, children, friends, and coworkers know we're close. But I don't see the need to tell anyone the entire truth. I was on the fence about sending this e-mail—that's how little fuss we make about it. Then I thought, if I do send it, and if enough people send their stories, maybe one day we can go public and it won't be a big fucking deal. That'd be awesome.

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Savage Says - The Monogamish Closet

Nonmongamy - aka monogamish in Dan Savage lingo - is something I've mentioned a few times. This letter was recently posted as the "Letter of the Day" on the Savage Love iPhone app, and it fits nicely with the whole sex-positive vibe we've got going on here at Sex Ed Central.

Below the letter you will find the initial call-out posted by Dan on Savage Love.

Enjoy!

The Monogamish Closet

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My husband and I are the pillars of society; we both work and pay taxes, we have two lovely children, we are an active part of our church community, I brought my kids to sing carols for charity this week and we host the rest of the family for Christmas. According to many of our friends, we are unusually happily married.But we are not monogamous.

At the moment I have two more-or-less regular lovers; one a friend I sometimes sleep with, the other a sexy model who picked me up at the gym. Most of our friends and family would be absolutely horrified if they found out. It has brought us closer, we laugh more, we communicate better, appreciate each other more and have more and better sex with each other than we did before. We have also (surprisingly) made friends with our lovers, something we didn't expect.

It feels like having taken Morpheus' blue pill in the Matrix or having seen how the world REALLY works but not being able to talk openly about it. If others knew how unnecessary and oppressive the current "monogamy is the only way if you love someone" mantra is, the world would be a better place. I accept other people's choices and understand that my way of living and loving doesn't work for everyone, but I wish that I could be more open without risking my career and some close personal relationships. I hope that some time in the future, a non-monogamous lifestyle will be more accepted, and I certainly hope our kids will grow up in a world with fewer hang-ups with regards to sex. But for now, we're in the closet.

Friends And Lovers And Spouses

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Dan's Message ...

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Wondering why today's letter-of-the-day isn't a question? FALAS's letter comes in response to a call in this week's "Savage Love":

Yes, yes: Every couple you know who's ever had a three-way or okayed a fling wound up divorced. And that may be true—of the couples whose three-ways and flings you know about. You know lots of couples who've had three-ways and flings who aren't divorced, but you don't know you know them. Most married couples want to be perceived as monogamous even—especially!—when they're not. So your friends who aren't divorcing as the result of a disastrous fling, affair, swinging experience, three-way, etc., aren't going to tell you about all the successful flings, affairs, etc., they've enjoyed.... ARE YOU MARRIED? Have you had successful flings, affairs, swinging experiences, and three-ways that your friends and family members will never know about? Send me an e-mail, share your story, and I'll publish it.

Married and monogamish and not out? Share your story - mail@savagelove.net.

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