A Breastfeeding Dad

This article is from Out Magazine. The author shares his experience as a transgendered, breastfeeding dad. Read, learn and enjoy!

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Why I'm a Breastfeeding Dad

4.24.2012

By Trevor MacDonald

I'm a transgender parent: not the parent of a transgender child, nor a parent who transitioned after having kids. Rather, I transitioned from female to male, and then later became pregnant—as a trans man. I had a healthy pregnancy, and birthed my baby naturally. And in that first moment when I saw my baby and held him in my arms—smelling his amazing, newborn baby smell—I became addicted to him.

Just last week, my little guy turned 1 years old, and I can say that my initial intense feeling toward him has only become more powerful over time. Part of its effect is to make me highly sensitive to my child's needs, despite the awkward moments we sometimes endure in public as a nursing couple.

I was on an airplane a few months ago and my baby began crying during the descent. I unbuttoned my shirt and latched him on; from what I've read nursing can really help to ease the pain in a baby's ears due to changes in pressure on a flight. When we landed, a fellow passenger came to stand in front of me and said, "Why are you breastfeeding this baby?"

I looked around and reminded myself that, on a crowded airplane, she probably couldn't do us any physical harm. I explained, "Oh, I'm transgender. I birthed him myself, and so now I'm breastfeeding him."

"Well you're going to ruin his ears flying with him like this. This baby needs a real boob, man."

I was born female but transitioned to male at age 23 by taking testosterone. My voice dropped, I grew facial hair, and my body shape changed. One year later, I had male chest-contouring surgery that removed most of my breast tissue. I retained my female reproductive organs, but I felt (and still feel) fully male, and anybody seeing me on the street would never guess that I'm anything but a regular dude. This is how I'm happy.

In fact, after my transition, I was so very happy and comfortable that I quickly settled down with Ian, the love of my life (yes, I'm that complicated - I'm not just any old transgender guy, I'm a gay transgender guy, and it is perfectly right for me). Soon we decided we'd like to have a family together. We looked into adoption, but then decided that the homegrown variety would be best for us. We consulted with a few doctors who suggested that I stop taking my testosterone and wait for my cycles to return to normal. They did, and we married and got pregnant. We were so traditional, even, that our due date was exactly forty weeks from the day of our wedding.

I chose to breastfeed our son as best I could. Due to my previous surgery, I don't make all the milk that he needs, so I use what is called a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to feed him donated breast milk. The SNS consists of a long, narrow feeding tube that sits in the donated milk in a bottle. I place the tube just by my nipple so that my baby latches on to the tube as well as my nipple. He then gets all the breast milk that I'm able to produce simultaneous to the supplement that he draws from the bottle. All of his feedings are done at my chest. After one year of this, we are still both enjoying our breastfeeding relationship.

My breastfeeding journey has not been easy. It's physically very challenging to latch a baby on when you have next to zero protruding breast tissue. Learning to juggle the SNS in addition to this made nursing even harder for us. So why do I bother? Why don't I just give my baby his donated breast milk in a bottle and call it a day?

I started out nursing purely for the health benefits. I read that any amount at all of my own milk would contain antibodies specifically designed by my body to protect my son—unique from any other substance in the world. I also learned that the mechanical action of breastfeeding promotes normal jaw development. Who doesn't want a normally developed jaw? I thought. But looking back on this last year, I have come to believe that breastfeeding, for us at least, is far more than this. Breastfeeding is the easiest way for me to comfort my child when he is upset, tired, hurt, or scared. It works well for us and keeps him happy.

I wish I'd been eloquent enough at the time to explain these things to the woman on the airplane, but what I said was, "I hope you have a good vacation." I wanted her to leave us alone.

She returned with, "Well, you should know that Jesus loves you."

After this, I focused on Jacob and babbled at him endlessly as if I were a child myself. "I'm so sorry that your ears hurt on the way down. You poor little thing. I love you soooooooo much. Now that we're in Vancouver we'll get to visit your grandparents who are very, very excited to see you."

I kept hugging my boy and chatting to him until the woman left and then I sobbed, fumbling for my things while the other passengers quietly filed off the plane.

I'll never forget the kind words of a fellow traveler who witnessed the whole episode. He came to find me at the luggage belt, looking terribly serious. "Don't you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you," he said. Then he repeated it one more time, with emphasis, "Don't you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you."

Wherever you are, gentle stranger, thank you, and I won't.

Trevor MacDonald lives in Winnipeg, Canada, with his partner, baby, and dog. He is currently a stay-at-home dad, and has an honors BA in political science from the University of British Columbia. While remaining secure in his identity as a gay man, he breastfeeds his baby boy because of the zillions of studies that prove that breastfeeding is a healthy, biologically normal choice for babies. He writes about his queer breastfeeding adventures on his blog at www.milkjunkies.net.

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Surrogacy

I read this article on The Star today, and it gave me warm fuzzies inside. :)

Read on and learn about a husband and wife who are embracing their ability to help gay and lesbian couples to realize their dreams of being parents. Heather became a surrogate mom in 2005, carrying and safely delivering Milena to her parents - a gay couple. Her husband, David, donated sperm to father a child - Rowan - for a lesbian couple with whom they are friends.

As I said, warm fuzzies! Read and enjoy :)

[caption id="attachment_1514" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Captured By Kristin Newborn Photography"][/caption]

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Surrogacy runs in the family


By Valerie Hauch, Staff Reporter

For nine months Heather Jopling carried Milena in her womb, but she always knew the baby wasn’t “hers.”

After a long labour, she handed the newborn over to two ecstatic gay dads who had been in the delivery room with Jopling, along with her husband, David Hoare, when the baby was born.

“The memory of watching this baby being passed to her family is one of the best memories I’ll ever have in my life — it was pretty amazing,’’ recalls Jopling, 43, who lives in Cobourg with Hoare and their 11-year-old daughter, Rissa, which means “laughter’’ in Latin.

Jopling’s experience of being a surrogate mom in 2005 — and the wife of a man who fathered a boy, Rowan, now 7, through a sperm donation to a lesbian couple — has been so positive that she joined the Toronto Public Library’s Human Library event in November to talk about it. At the annual event, readers can “borrow” people of varying experiences and backgrounds for sit-down conversations at participating libraries.

It was a good experience, plus she got to meet a lot of other interesting “books,” says Jopling, whose eclectic work background includes performing Shakespeare while dressed as a clown, writing and producing four one-woman shows, and — just recently — finishing a libretto for a vampire rock opera, The Crimson Chorus.

Most people she’s spoken to about her surrogate experience have been very accepting, although she understands there may be some who find it hard to fathom how a woman could carry a child for nine months and then hand him or her over for adoption. With her theatre background, Jopling has worked with a lot of gay people over the years and understands how difficult it can be for couples who want children.

It’s hard to find surrogates in Canada, says Jopling, who gives talks a couple of times a year at a Toronto community centre that hosts meetings of gay couples hoping to become parents through conventional adoption or surrogacy.

There are no formal statistics available on surrogate pregnancies. Canada’s Assisted Human Reproduction Act, passed in 2004, forbids any fees or compensation for surrogate mothers (although out-of-pocket expenses can be covered for things like maternity clothing), so the only legal surrogacy is altruistic.

But it’s not enough to want to help someone, says Jopling. A good surrogate has already had children (so she understands intimately what is physically and mentally involved) and is healthy and emotionally stable, she believes.

In her case, she was friends with the two men who legally adopted the baby girl and who also have another daughter from a surrogate. She saw what good fathers they were with their first child and how they yearned for another. She offered to help them realize their dream.

The actual insemination was “low tech” and just involved a syringe at home. “It worked,’’ she said.

It was a good pregnancy with no complications. She went into labour at 5 p.m. one day and Milena was born at 1 a.m. the next. The two dads were with her in the hospital delivery room, along with two midwives. Since she’d already had one child, Jopling knew what to expect, but she recalls the anxious fathers “begging” her to take something for the pain.

A few times a year, Jopling and her family see the two dads and Milena, who knows that Jopling is her “birth mother” and that she grew in her “tummy” and seems fine with that. Jopling’s daughter, too, enjoys the visits with her biological half-sibling.

The family also occasionally sees Rowan, conceived through Hoare’s sperm donation to lesbian friends, who shares the same birthday as Rissa.

Because she’s so comfortable with the complexities of modern families, she turned her hand to writing diversity-friendly fiction for kids. She’s written a couple of books about kids who have gay and lesbian parents, Ryan’s Mom is Tall and Monicka’s Papa is Tall (Nickname Press).

Even in her own family, things change.

Her husband’s mother is now in a lesbian relationship. “I have three mothers-in-law and I’m very lucky that I love them all,” she says.

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Source: The Star - Surrogacy runs in the family

 

It's about diversity.

Yesterday I received another box of goodies.  Those of you who are familiar with my apartment are probably groaning and thinking "Oh goodness, where is she going to put more stuff?  I assure you, the office can handle it!

Amongst all the goodies, first on my reading list (which begins next week, after the three assignments, two papers and one test are over!) are two more informational books from Public Health - "Sexual Orientation in Schools" and "Gender Identity in Schools".  As a heterosexual Caucasian female living in a hetero-normative, largely Caucasian society, I have not had to contend with many of the issues facing the diverse youth in our communities.  I feel strongly that it is my responsibility to educate myself as much as I possibly can regarding the experiences of those with whom I cannot directly identify.

Which brings me to my latest venture - an information and resource display at a Student Leadership Conference, all about LGBTQ issues and equality.  I am not yet sure of my particular responsibilities regarding this event, but I can tell you that I am very excited!  I will update when I have more information!

If you're looking for resources such as the ones I've mentioned in this post, visit the CATIE Ordering Centre - have fun!