A Breastfeeding Dad

This article is from Out Magazine. The author shares his experience as a transgendered, breastfeeding dad. Read, learn and enjoy!

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Why I'm a Breastfeeding Dad

4.24.2012

By Trevor MacDonald

I'm a transgender parent: not the parent of a transgender child, nor a parent who transitioned after having kids. Rather, I transitioned from female to male, and then later became pregnant—as a trans man. I had a healthy pregnancy, and birthed my baby naturally. And in that first moment when I saw my baby and held him in my arms—smelling his amazing, newborn baby smell—I became addicted to him.

Just last week, my little guy turned 1 years old, and I can say that my initial intense feeling toward him has only become more powerful over time. Part of its effect is to make me highly sensitive to my child's needs, despite the awkward moments we sometimes endure in public as a nursing couple.

I was on an airplane a few months ago and my baby began crying during the descent. I unbuttoned my shirt and latched him on; from what I've read nursing can really help to ease the pain in a baby's ears due to changes in pressure on a flight. When we landed, a fellow passenger came to stand in front of me and said, "Why are you breastfeeding this baby?"

I looked around and reminded myself that, on a crowded airplane, she probably couldn't do us any physical harm. I explained, "Oh, I'm transgender. I birthed him myself, and so now I'm breastfeeding him."

"Well you're going to ruin his ears flying with him like this. This baby needs a real boob, man."

I was born female but transitioned to male at age 23 by taking testosterone. My voice dropped, I grew facial hair, and my body shape changed. One year later, I had male chest-contouring surgery that removed most of my breast tissue. I retained my female reproductive organs, but I felt (and still feel) fully male, and anybody seeing me on the street would never guess that I'm anything but a regular dude. This is how I'm happy.

In fact, after my transition, I was so very happy and comfortable that I quickly settled down with Ian, the love of my life (yes, I'm that complicated - I'm not just any old transgender guy, I'm a gay transgender guy, and it is perfectly right for me). Soon we decided we'd like to have a family together. We looked into adoption, but then decided that the homegrown variety would be best for us. We consulted with a few doctors who suggested that I stop taking my testosterone and wait for my cycles to return to normal. They did, and we married and got pregnant. We were so traditional, even, that our due date was exactly forty weeks from the day of our wedding.

I chose to breastfeed our son as best I could. Due to my previous surgery, I don't make all the milk that he needs, so I use what is called a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to feed him donated breast milk. The SNS consists of a long, narrow feeding tube that sits in the donated milk in a bottle. I place the tube just by my nipple so that my baby latches on to the tube as well as my nipple. He then gets all the breast milk that I'm able to produce simultaneous to the supplement that he draws from the bottle. All of his feedings are done at my chest. After one year of this, we are still both enjoying our breastfeeding relationship.

My breastfeeding journey has not been easy. It's physically very challenging to latch a baby on when you have next to zero protruding breast tissue. Learning to juggle the SNS in addition to this made nursing even harder for us. So why do I bother? Why don't I just give my baby his donated breast milk in a bottle and call it a day?

I started out nursing purely for the health benefits. I read that any amount at all of my own milk would contain antibodies specifically designed by my body to protect my son—unique from any other substance in the world. I also learned that the mechanical action of breastfeeding promotes normal jaw development. Who doesn't want a normally developed jaw? I thought. But looking back on this last year, I have come to believe that breastfeeding, for us at least, is far more than this. Breastfeeding is the easiest way for me to comfort my child when he is upset, tired, hurt, or scared. It works well for us and keeps him happy.

I wish I'd been eloquent enough at the time to explain these things to the woman on the airplane, but what I said was, "I hope you have a good vacation." I wanted her to leave us alone.

She returned with, "Well, you should know that Jesus loves you."

After this, I focused on Jacob and babbled at him endlessly as if I were a child myself. "I'm so sorry that your ears hurt on the way down. You poor little thing. I love you soooooooo much. Now that we're in Vancouver we'll get to visit your grandparents who are very, very excited to see you."

I kept hugging my boy and chatting to him until the woman left and then I sobbed, fumbling for my things while the other passengers quietly filed off the plane.

I'll never forget the kind words of a fellow traveler who witnessed the whole episode. He came to find me at the luggage belt, looking terribly serious. "Don't you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you," he said. Then he repeated it one more time, with emphasis, "Don't you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you."

Wherever you are, gentle stranger, thank you, and I won't.

Trevor MacDonald lives in Winnipeg, Canada, with his partner, baby, and dog. He is currently a stay-at-home dad, and has an honors BA in political science from the University of British Columbia. While remaining secure in his identity as a gay man, he breastfeeds his baby boy because of the zillions of studies that prove that breastfeeding is a healthy, biologically normal choice for babies. He writes about his queer breastfeeding adventures on his blog at www.milkjunkies.net.

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A note on gender

I wanted to follow my first post with a better explanation of some trans/gender issues which will hopefully shed light on the subject. Also, just a note that I am not trying to speak on behalf of the trans* community nor do I  have the experience of being trans*. I write from the perspective of a cisgendered person.

Firstly, when discussing gender, some people might say "What's there to discuss??" as some aspects of gender seem very clear cut. Obviously there are people who identify as male and female and we've recognized this for thousands of years. However, when something such as gender is so deeply engrained in our society and culture we do not always actively think about it and we grow up as "fish in water", not questioning or knowing anything different. But as humans, we are much more complex than this and therefore we form a concept of our own personal identities and our gender identities. We put so much thought into certain aspects of our personal identities, such as what clothes we wear, what we do for a living, our personalities and even our favourite colour! So why don't we put as much thought into constructing our gender identity and gender expression? Truthfully, many people do put a lot of thought into constructing and analyzing their gender identities but we are not generally encouraged to do this in western society. This creates a very narrow view of gender (the gender binary system with only male and female) and anyone who does not fit within that view is met with a lot of resistance.

There have been many new theories of gender proposed, such as the gender "scale" or the "authentic gender model" (akin to the kinsey scale of sexual orientation) which better represent the range of sexes, gender identities and expressions of humans.

A note on interacting with trans* people. If you do not have much (or any) experience with working or interacting with people with varying gender expressions, including trans* and genderqueer individuals here are some things to keep in mind:

Always use their preferred pronoun (he/him or she/her) and name. If you do not know these, then simply ask. Asking is always better than assuming.

Be open minded to different gender expressions and be respectful. Many trans people experience transphobia on a daily basis simply based on the way they look. Many cisgender people have preconceived notions of how gender is expressed, and it is important to keep an open mind and be respectful of others. Remember like the golden rule - treat others the way you want them to treat you.

Trans* people are much more than trans, and their identities are made up of many other things than simply being trans, just as a cisgender person's identity is made up of much more than just their gender. So acknowledge it, but don't make it the focal point of how you know or relate to that person.

If you are interested in discussions on gender and learning more about the trans* community, I found this wonderful video on youtube called Trans Basics created by the people behind the Gender Identity Project. It is a bit long but entirely worth the watch!



- Jocelyne

Newsworthy Sex - Vol 2: Transgender

The Barrie Examiner recently published a great article which has given me hope for a more progressive and accepting view of sexual diversity. This article features 17 year old Kyle, a young transgendered individual who has been strong enough to come "out and into the mainstream high school halls in his stilettos last September". Kyle has since become involved with local politics and works to educate people and encourage acceptance and tolerance.  Kyle is a wonderful example of a strong, positive representative of the Barrie LGBT youth community.

This article is well worth reading, and you can find it at this link: Breaking Out - Transgender teen touts tolerance while serving as ‘mayor’.