Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Monogamy as the only way?

Monogamy ... a necessary requirement of a healthy relationship, or an unrealistic expectation placed on individuals by our monogamy-centrist society?


Like many of you, I was raised in a society which values monogamy, long-term relationship/marital commitment, and expects sexual exclusivity as the "norm".  Until my early twenties, I had never even heard of an "open relationship".  The first time I met someone who told me they were in an open relationship, I remember thinking this person (and his partner) must be strange.  After all, how could someone claim to be in a relationship but still allow their partner - and be allowed by their partner - to pursue outside relationships as well?  I assumed that being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship was the only way to "be" with someone.  That's what everyone does, right?

Wrong.

Fortunately, I value learning and I try to keep an open mind.  It's not always easy (my first response to non-monogamy wasn't entirely "open-minded"), but learning about and educating others about sexuality means learning about what I'm going to be talking about.  And since much of sexuality takes place in the context of interpersonal relationships, I've often found myself wondering about how those relationships function.  So, being the nerd that I am, I've read books, articles and magazines on the subject; I've talked to people who are in non-monogamous relationships; I've subscribed to and follow a number of blogs on the subject.  And, as I've mentioned in the past, I faithfully read Savage Love every week, listen to Dan's podcasts and try to keep myself informed about the subject in general.  So when the New York Times published a magazine article entitled "Dan Savage on the Virtues of Infidelity", I had to check it out.  (In case you're unsure, Dan is also the founder of The It Gets Better Project).

[caption id="attachment_1477" align="alignright" width="120" caption="Love Outside the Box"][/caption]

The article is seven pages long (as published online), well-written and a great read.  I've taken a few excerpts from the article and included them in this post.  You can read the full article here: "Dan Savage on the Virtues of Infidelity".

"Savage believes monogamy is right for many couples ... We can’t help our urges, and we should not lie to our partners about them ... honesty is the best policy." (Oppenheimer, 2011)

... He does not believe in promiscuity ... And he does not believe that monogamy is wrong for all couples or even for most couples. Rather, he says that a more realistic sexual ethic would prize honesty, a little flexibility and, when necessary, forgiveness over absolute monogamy. And he believes nostalgically, like any good conservative, that we might look to the past for some clues.  (Oppenheimer, 2011)

... “Folks on the verge of making those monogamous commitments,” ... “need to look at the wreckage around them — all those failed monogamous relationships out there (Schwarzenegger, Clinton, Vitter, whoever’s on the cover of US magazine this week) — and have a conversation about what it’ll mean if one or the other partner should cheat. And agree, at the very least, to getting through it, to place a higher value on the relationship itself than on one component of it, sexual exclusivity.” (Oppenheimer, 2011)


... “The point,” he wrote on his blog last year, “is that people — particularly those who value monogamy — need to understand why being monogamous is so much harder than they’ve been led to believe.” (Oppenheimer, 2011)

FYI: By posting this, I want to share with you an alternative perspective that says that relationships are not only about sexual exclusivity, and that there is more to loving relationships than what we've been socially conditioned to believe.  I wish to give you an opportunity to to open your mind to more information.  :) 

Enjoy!

Candice :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Birth Control Options - Part 2

Ok folks, so we’ve already talked about the hormonal methods of birth control -- the pill, the patch, the ring, the IUS and Depo.  If you missed out on the awesomeness of that post, you can check it out right here.

Now it’s time to move on to the non-hormonal methods.  Namely, the IUD, the sponge, Lea Contraceptive, the cervical cap, diaphragm, and spermicide.  Tubal ligation and vasectomy also fit into the “non-hormonal” category, but as they’re permanent, I’ll be talking about them separately.

Notice what’s missing?  Condoms!  I’ll also be covering the male and female condoms in their own post, because condoms are essential to safer sex and they deserve a full shout out!  Let’s get started ...

 

The Intra-Uterine Device (IUD):

[caption id="attachment_1355" align="alignright" width="236" caption="Copper IUD"]Copper IUD[/caption]



If you’ve read the previous post, you’ve got a bit of an understanding about how the IUS works.  The IUD is similar, but instead of a cylinder containing hormones, it has a thin copper wire wrapped around it.

As with the IUS, the IUD is inserted by a doctor into a woman’s uterus.  Once inserted, it can stay in place for up to five (5) years.  Your doctor will trim the strings of the IUD so that they hang down into the top of the vagina (they're generally not noticeable by male partners).  The copper wire changes the chemistry in the uterus, killing sperm and preventing implantation.  The IUD is extremely effective - 99% - and has no impact on later fertility once it’s removed.

The IUD may be a good option for women who are looking for long-term, worry-free birth control at a low cost (approx $85 in Ontario).  Like most birth control, the IUD does NOT protect against STIs, and it may even make it easier for a woman to contract an STI, so it’s essential to USE WITH CONDOMS.

 

The Contraceptive Sponge:

[caption id="attachment_1356" align="alignright" width="205" caption="Contraceptive Sponge"]Contraceptive Sponge[/caption]



Personally, I think that the sponge is pretty cool.  It’s a small, round, disposible sponge soaked in spermicide, which a woman inserts and places at her cervix.  The idea is to kill sperm before they can enter the cervix on their way to the uterus (and egg!).  Once inserted, the sponge protects for 12 hours, even if you have sex multiple times in this period.

That said, the sponge is NOT very effective on its own, so it needs to be used with condoms.  When both condoms and the sponge are used together properly, they are 98% effective.

As with other spermicidal methods, it’s important to know that some people are allergic to spermicide.  Also, some women find that using the sponge leaves them prone to yeast infections.  If you’re not sure if the sponge is a good choice for you, talk to your doctor about other birth control options.  If you want to check it out, the sponge comes in packs of 4 at most drugstores.

And don’t forget, the sponge itself does NOT protect against STIs, so make sure you’re using condoms too!

 

Lea Contraceptive:

[caption id="attachment_1363" align="alignright" width="190" caption="Lea Contraceptive"]Lea Contraceptive[/caption]



I have to admit, I’ve never actually seen one of these in person.  That said, they are out there and people are using them, so I’ve done some research to be able to educate you!

The Lea Contraceptive is a small device made of soft silicone.  A woman inserts it into the vagina, in front of the cervix, to prevent sperm from getting in.  On it’s own, it’s not all that effective -- about 87%.  With spermicide, it jumps up to 91.3% effectiveness, but that’s still a pretty high failure rate when you consider other contraceptive options.  On the plus side, the Lea Contraceptive is reusable, and can be left in place for up to 8 hours.

As with most birth control options, the Lea Contraceptive does NOT protect against STIs.  To improve your protection, always use condoms as well.

 

Cervical Cap:

[caption id="attachment_1359" align="alignright" width="190" caption="Cervical Cap"]Cervical Cap[/caption]



I have one of these in my sex ed kit, and they’re pretty neat.  The cervical cap is just that - a small, flexible cap.  Made of silicone, the cervical cap fits against (thereby covering) the cervix, preventing sperm from entering the cervix.  To increase effectiveness, the cap needs to be filled with spermicide before it is inserted.

Some women like the cap because it offers them privacy and control.  Because the cervical cap needs to fit properly, a doctor needs to determine what size of cap you need before you purchase it.

Because of the variation in fit, effectiveness can also vary quite a bit. It’s also much more effective in women who have not given birth.  Statistically speaking:

In women who have NOT given birth before: If the cap fits you well and you insert it properly every time you have sex, the failure rate of the cervical cap is about 9% (meaning that if 100 women use the cap perfectly for a year, 9 of them are likely to get pregnant).  That said, nobody is perfect, and “typical use” (meaning how most people will use the cap) failure is 20% (so 20 of those 100 women will become pregnant over the course of a year).

In women who HAVE given birth: the failure rate is much higher.  Perfect use still has a failure rate of 26%, and typical use fails 40% of the time.  Yikes!

It’s crucial to use condoms with the cap, both because of the high failure rate and because it does NOT protect against STIs.

 

Diaphragm

[caption id="attachment_1357" align="alignright" width="214" caption="Diaphragm"]Diaphragm[/caption]



Even if you’ve never seen one, you may have heard of the Diaphragm before now.  In fact, a relative of the modern diaphragm has been around since at least the mid-1800s, although they’ve certainly made a few improvements along the way!

The diaphragm is a thin, dome-shaped latex cap used to cover the entrance to the cervix.  In order to be effective, the diaphragm must be filled with cream or foam spermicide before it is inserted.  The diaphragm offers privacy and control to women, who insert it prior to having intercourse.  That said, the failure rate is higher than some other methods of contraception (but lower than the cervical cap) -- at about 4-8%.

Women who choose the diaphragm may find it difficult to insert at first or discover that it doesn’t fit them properly.  It’s essential to use condoms with the diaphragm, as it DOES NOT protect against STIs. As well, some women may develop urinary tract infections (UTIs) while using it.

 

Spermicide

[caption id="attachment_1358" align="alignright" width="240" caption="Spermicidal Film"]Spermicidal Film[/caption]



While spermicide used to be frequently recommended, it's taken more of a back seat in recent years as researchers have learned more about it.  That said, some individuals and couples still choose it as a contraceptive option and it’s certainly worth discussing.

Spermicide is composed of a chemical called nonoxynol-9 and is available in the form of cream (for diaphragms), gels, foam, film or suppository.  Once inserted into the vagina (in front of the cervix), spermicide destroys sperm on contact.  Alone, their effectiveness is quite limited (6-21% failure rate) and spermicide should always be used in conjunction with another method of contraception (ideally a condom).

Although spermicide offers some protection from bacterial infections, it does NOT offer protection from STIs overall.  In fact, spermicide alone may increase the risk of HIV infection, so it’s essential to use it with a condom for protection from STIs.  The reason for this potential risk increase is that spermicide may irritate the vagina, penis and anus, leaving those areas more vulnerable to infection.  Spermicide can also be messy, and must be inserted shortly before sex, as it’s only effective for an hour.

 

Now that we've covered the hormonal methods of birth control and most of the non-hormonal methods, it's time to get ready for Birth Control Options - Part 3 -- CONDOMS!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What's the research say? Contraceptives!

I read an interesting excerpt from an upcoming article in the journal "Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health".  I'll skip the technical details (you can click through to the study info below) and summarize what they've said:

[caption id="attachment_1221" align="alignright" width="244" caption="Sex Ed Central - Birth Control Basics"]Birth Control Basics[/caption]

- in approximately 75% of relationships, the couple had used some sort of contraceptive the last time they had sex

- the longer and more intimate the relationship, the more likely the couple was to shift from barrier methods (i.e. condoms) to hormonal methods (such as the pill, patch, ring, IUS)

- overall contraceptive use doesn't decline in longer relationships; it shifts from one type (barrier) to another (hormonal) ... this suggests more of a focus on pregnancy rather than STIs in long-term relationships

 

If you're interested and would like to read more about this study, here's the link (FYI, the full article is available only through paid subscription):

Contraceptive Method Choice Shifts with Relationship Duration, Commitment Level

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Ethical Promiscuity

It's almost here!

Wednesday, November 10 is the date of my very exciting and unique workshop is at the University of Guelph! I will be facilitating what promises to be a very interesting discussion. The workshop, entitled "Radical Relationships and Ethical Promiscuity" is sponsored by OPIRG and will be held on campus. If you're interested in more information, don't hesitate to contact me!

The purpose of this workshop is to open up discussion about issues that fall outside of the scope of "typical" sexual health education. We will be discussing what it means to be "promiscuous" - where the word comes from, how we internalize it, and what it means for our sexual relationships. We will look at such topic as pleasure in sexual encounters, safety and self-respect, and what it means to be "ethically promiscuous".

I'm very excited - this workshop has been in the planning stages for several months and I'm looking forward to returning to my Alma Mater to make it happen.  The workshop is open to all genders, identities, orientations and preferences, and I hope to meet many new people.

I will keep you posted! As always, thanks for tuning in.

Candice :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

More than words ...

Tomorrow night's workshop is all about communication.

In planning this session, I've come to the conclusion that it would be very easy to put together an entire workshop (6, 8, 10 weeks) about communication all by itself.  There are so many things to think about and I've had to make some tough decisions about where to focus my attention and what I think will most benefit the youth.  I've decided to focus on the basics ... the components of communication (what you say, how you say it, body language), I-statements, and miscommunication.

What we say only accounts for 7% of the message we send.  More than anything, it's our tone of voice and body language that we use to communicate with others ... how we say it, and how we act when we say it.  That's what I want to impress upon the youth.  There will be plenty of role-playing, role-modeling, and discussion, and my good friend Scott will be assisting me with this session.  I'm really looking forward to it!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

This week ... Relationships!

This week's workshop is based on relationships.  Lots of different relationships ... friends, family, peers, teachers, workers, clergy, romantic partners ... you get the picture.

Obviously I'm not going to spend the whole session just talking about types of relationships.  My focus will be on safety within those relationships ... power, what is and is not ok in different kinds of relationships, red flags for unhealthy relationships, sexual assault and domestic violence.

I think that it's important to go beyond the mechanics and technicalities of sex, and talk about the more personal side of things.  Sex doesn't happen in a vacuum (and if it does ... well ... let's chat ...); there are a whole bunch of other factors involved with a person's decision to engage or not engage in sexual activity.  From now until the end of the workshop, it's that kind of stuff that we will be talking about on Wednesday nights!

Which reminds me - this is week 7 already!  Wow!  It's gone by SO FAST, and has been far more successful than I could have asked for.  This is GREAT!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A Fine Balance

Teaching sex ed is a balancing act.  You want to be upfront and honest with the youth, and get the information to them.  At the same time, you don't want to come across as using "scare tactics" or being too graphic.  Also, you need to know how much each group can handle.  This is when having a good rapport with your audience really comes in handy.

As a CYW (Child and Youth Worker), one of the central features of my education is developing the skills to establish relationships with young people.  The awesome part about taking all of these classes and practicing these skills in my labs is that it really works! The youth like me and respond well to me, and almost without realizing it, I can build positive relationships with them.  Yet another reason I love the CYW program :).

When it comes to teaching sex ed, you need to keep it practical and relevant.  While it's great that I know that, in Canada, "the overall reported rate of gonorrhea increased by  124.2% between 1998 and 2007" (Public Health Agency of Canada, 2009), what the youth need to know is that more and more people are getting gonorrhea, and most of them are between 15 and 24 years old - and this means that they are at high risk for contracting gonorrhea.  It's not enough to spew information and statistics at them and expect that they will absorb it all because you're such a great speaker and it's important information.  Bite-sized chunks, clear language, repetition, and fun are all necessary to making your lesson a success.

On that note, it's time for me to get back to next week's lesson!

Thanks for reading,

Candice