It's also partly because I think that close, intimate, interpersonal relationships are a really interesting topic. I enjoy
learning about, reading about, thinking about and writing about relationships.Just think about it for a few moments:
We humans are typically creatures of habit; we go along with what we're used to, stick to what feels comfortable, and generally expect others to do the same.
Yet relationships themselves are such dynamic, ever-evolving entities. Heck, we humans are ever-evolving ... we find new interests and hobbies, make new friends, develop new habits ... you get the picture.
So what do we do when we or our partner wants/needs/wishes for the relationship to change?
Say, for example, you have a married/common-law/committed couple (of any orientation) who have a house and three kids. Something happens and, for one reason or another, one partner loses interest in (or becomes unable or unwilling to have) sex. The other partner, however, has a high libido and enjoys having sex several times a week (i.e. sex is a necessary aspect of this person's life). Aside from this particular issue, the couple has a good relationship and a solid partnership. They're in love with each other, they are great parents and their kids are happy and doing as well as kids can be expected to do.
What do they do?
Split up - traumatize the kids, lose the support of each other, divide up the family and call it quits on the love and happiness they've enjoyed together?
I sometimes wonder if we, as a society, are so focused on monogamy and sexual exclusivity -- (examples: "OMG, he cheated on her!" "Did you hear? They're swingers!" "If I have feelings for/am attracted to him/her/them then I must not be happy in my relationship/there must be something wrong with me/I don't love my partner") -- that we lose sight of all the other parts - good, important parts - that make up a relationship.Anyway, that was the long journey to the points I want to make:
1. This post was inspired by an interesting post by FruitTaster. An excerpt I particularly enjoyed:
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"We tend to assume an open relationship is about sex, and maybe affection, or love even. Not about laundry, cooking, and bills. However, countless marriages have come to an end because of differences over laundry, cooking and bills, so they are certainly part of the crucial elements in a relationship."
Source: Fruits of Libido Blog, written by FruitTaster
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2. Relationships, like people, are special and unique. I believe that we should be able to make them what we want them to be, not what others expect them to be.
3. Now that I think about it, I've never been very good at conforming to the little boxes we are pegged into. Maybe that has something to do with my interest in getting others to think outside of the little boxes as well.
Introspection for another day ...
Thanks for reading!
Candice :)
I don't mean to throw the ball back at you, but what you wrote triggered a though.
ReplyDeleteIt's that I find particularly interesting the view that, in the event of one partner being caught cheating in a monogamous relationship, that the result should automatically be a split.
There is such an importance put on monogamy that we are willing to throw away everything if it is not respected. There are without a doubt times when this is the right course of action. However it happens so often that you have to wonder why people don't just start off with the assumption that it might occur, or at least that the thought or desire of getting involved with others during the course of a very long term relationship will eventually be felt, if not acted on.
The point is, why not be proactive about it and have an intelligent discussion considering ways to deal with it, either when it will happen, or before it happens. A non-monogamous or open relationship is kind of an umbrella term that encompasses really everything other than monogamy. It's too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you're not monogamous, then you're up for grabs and you're just careless and promiscuous. There are a lot of variations possible between the two extremes.
I like to think of it as being a relationship designer. We spend so much time personalizing our clothes and our hair and our homes and everything that surrounds us. Maybe we should consider that we can also design our relationship. Forgeting the monogamy vs non-monogamy terms, which may be too polarized for many people, I think it's accessible to everyone to just ask themselves, if I could design the perfect, bullet-proof relationship for me, what would that be?
The interest I have in Dan publishing the letters he's received, is to demonstrate the breath of arrangements that are possible, and to realize we can apply our imagination and our creativity to the problem of how to make our relationships more successful.
You can have your blog back now. :)